My behavior was timebound. I raced from bus to Skytrain to bus to ferry. Then onto the ferry and into the coffee shop and off the ferry, etc. Always, one lineup after another and I was in best lineup trim.
Contrary to everything Jesus ever said, I determined everything by the advantage gained in the lineup.
The first shall be first, in my Third-Dimented state.
I was judgmental. I guarded my place. I took (internal) offense at people piling their luggage on mine on the bus.
All the time I wore just enough of a pleasant face to “pass.” This is a constructed self.
All the while, I’m watching myself, observing what I think and feel and do.
The one agreement on the awareness path is that we watch ourselves, observe ourselves, 24/7. That’s all. Just observe.
Theoretically that should result in a shift in focus, from always observing others to always observing ourselves. But I see that my judgmentalness survives.
Nonetheless I can unequivocally say that for me it’s been a rich, rich path. Awareness dissolves the knots in consciousness. That’s at the basis of the upset clearing process. (1)
Back to selfishness. Selfishness feels good in the moment.
I used to ask myself why was it so hard to do the right thing? My answer became, after much soul-searching: Because doing the wrong thing feels so good.
Arrogance feels good. Haughtiness feels good. Conceit, lust, greed all feel good – in the moment.
But I feel awful afterward.
Regret comes up. Shame burns my cheeks. All kinds of nasty thoughts and feelings arise. As if that weren’t enough, I then waste my time and yours excusing and justifying myself.
I come home and talk to my loved ones over top of these feelings. They hear that something’s wrong and scurry away.
The false bliss I feel at those moments turns sour pretty quick anyways. There’s no future in it. The whole thing is a holdover from the Third.
Where we’re headed, bliss is permanent, not temporary. It’s on the other side of a permanent heart opening and that ushers us into a perpetual experience of bliss.
Whoever it is that’s driving the car at these moments of timebound behavior has to hand over the keys now. There’s no future for selfishness. Jesus was right: The first shall go last and the last shall go first. It just takes a bit to materialize.
And besides there are entirely new rules of the road. All this pushing and shoving in transit is itself soon to be a thing of the past. We may be flying in our cars overhead or teleporting.
As I walked to a rendezvous with a friend afterwards, I watched myself look only at the ground in front of me. That drastic an action seemed needed to remind myself to be aware of what’s right here, right now.
I’m about to make another transition into emphasizing an aspect of reality whose impact on my life and writing is unknown to me.
The fellow with no memory, only recently having rediscovered and reactivated his will, responsible to and for many things, but most of all to Ascension, is about to restrict his attention to the here and now – if I can remember to!!! I have no idea what that will produce or require.
(1) See “On Processing Root Vasanas or Core Issues” at http://goldenageofgaia.com/spiritual-essays/.