Linda Dillon called this experience an example of interdimensional slippage.
Interesting. That would fit with my experience: It was as if I momentarily entered a new domain.
I just had a flash of insight which practically left me reeling.
In my mind’s eye, I saw a differentiation – line, barrier, the metaphor doesn’t matter. On this side of an imaginary line was my presence not adding joy to a situation and on the other side was my presence adding joy.
Speak of “Bah, humbug!” Scrooge, the night before Christmas and all. This was a “Bah, humbug!” moment.
The contrast in the way I felt here (not adding) and there (adding) was startling.
I chose as a child to make a career of complaining. Oh, what a bad choice that was.
I thought of it then as “telling the truth.” I would not keep the family secret of domestic violence. I rebeled in every way I could – wow, look at the energy I have on this core issue! You see how gripping they are?
Well, I just had a flash of insight. For one brief instant in my life, I felt that my presence added joy to a situation. Just momentarily!
It was so unlike me that I couldn’t believe I had never seen that side of myself before.
After living a lifetime on the awareness path, there aren’t too many “sides” of myself that I’m not aware of. But this one? Nothing. Where had it been hiding?
This has to be the clearest example I’ve seen of how a vasana can close us down to the existence of different realities. I was not, and probably would never have become, aware of the reality called bringing joy to a situation, given the blinkers I was wearing as a career complainer. My slant, my orientation, my leaning was away from bringing joy.
(Interesting timing for bringing joy to come up.)
The most I’ve been able to achieve in this area so far is to refrain from complaining. But inside my head, I’m nattering away. The battle isn’t won. I’m still feeding the wrong wolf.
But even to see, if just for an instant, that there’s another territory, called “my presence adds joy to a situation,” is like a thirsty man seeing an oasis in the distance.
If any readers are perplexed at my “calling myself” on my own numbers, don’t be concerned. First of all, this is what all of us should be doing, as far as I can see.
Secondly, on the path of awareness, life is often a process of unpeeling the onion. The layers of the onion are our core issues and the conditioned behavior they give rise to.
Krishnamurti called what I do, if memory serves me, “becoming aware of the ways of the self” and considered it the one and only thing that we needed to do.
My vasanas determine “the ways of the self.” Becoming aware of those ways is enough to start their dissolution.
“Awareness transforms,” Jesus said. (1) Dissolving and transforming signify the same thing: Eventually the disappearance of the self and the unconcealing of the Self.
When I see one of my numbers and raise it to awareness, I have the opportunity, by the dissolutive action of awareness, to be free of it.
Sharing it fixes it in the memory. The mind tends to make right what we say. I take advantage of that “fixing” power of the mind to hold onto my realizations by sharing them here.
I didn’t occupy the space “my presence adds joy to a situation” for more than a moment. My script reasserted itself and I assumed the conditioned posture again of one who complains (“Don’t mess with me or mine”).
No wonder my presence doesn’t add joy to a situation.
I am truly a fish on dry land here.
What keeps me going is that I know that, underneath all this overburden of all the issues I’m dragging around, I am my natural self – innocent, pristine, loving. I have seen that with every enlightenment intensive or est event. I don’t need additional confirmation that I’m alive and well under my core issues.
I’m unconcealing that natural self. I call that “emergence.” Archangel Michael calls it “expansion.”
I imagine some kind person in the rafters just assisted me with a brief vision, a flash of insight. Thank you to whoever it was. I now know what I’m working towards.
Our collaboration is so fruitful, rafter guys. (2) I gratefully acknowledge your presence and contribution. Joy to you!
(1) “Jeshua: The Third Way,” through Pamela Kribbe, 2012, at”http://goldenageofgaia.com/2015/12/24/jeshua-the-third-way-2/
(2) I included my thanks to my principal guide, my twin, Annastara, and felt a wave of love descend on me.